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Dangerous Relations: Recognize The Signs and Symptoms

May 15, 2011
Lekha-3216

photo by Udit Kulshrestha ©. All Rights Reserved.

THIS POST IS TO INFORM ALL WOMEN HOW TO RECOGNIZE THE SIGNS AND SYMPTOMS OF BEING IN A VIOLENT/ ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP.

One of the biggest problems with ‘domestic violence’  in India is that women are often pressured by their families, relatives and friends to learn to tolerate violence and live with it.

Abused women hear things like: “This happens in all homes.” “You are a woman, you must learn to adjust.”  “If you leave you will bring shame on your parents.  Think about your children, don’t be selfish.”

It is a dangerous precedence because this social conditioning makes Indian women immune to the fact that their lives are in danger.   At least 1 woman is killed in India every 20 minutes.  Recent studies show that in Indian homes where women endure violence, there is a 21-50% chance that their daughters (not sons!) under the age of 6 years, will also be killed due violence inflicted on them .  What makes domestic violence even more lethal for women in India, is that unlike other countries, in India the violence is ‘gang violence.’  Women are beaten and abused not just by their husbands but by their in-laws as well. 

 IF YOU EXPERIENCE ANY OR ALL OF THE SIGNS AND SYMPTOMS MENTIONED BELOW THEN PLEASE KNOW THAT YOU ARE IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP.   IF YOU EXPERIENCE ANYTHING WRITTEN IN GREEN THEN YOU MUST LEAVE THE HOUSE AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.  QUIETLY MAKE AN ARRANGEMENT FOR A TEMPORARY STAY, AND LEAVE WITHOUT TELLING.   IF YOU EXPERIENCE ANYTHING THAT’S WRITTEN IN RED, THEN YOU NEED TO LEAVE IMMEDIATELY, FOR YOUR LIFE IS IN DANGER.  DON’T WAIT, LEAVE THAT DAY! YOUR LIFE MATTERS MORE THAN YOUR MARRIAGE.  PLEASE SAVE YOURSELF.

The following are signs of abusive/violent  behavior whether you experience them from your partner or in-laws.

1.       humiliates you

2.       shouts at you constantly

3.       criticizes you

4.       puts you down no matter what you do or don’t do

5.       calls you derogatory names like ‘bitch,’ ‘whore’ etc.

6.       says you are so worthless or disgusting that he doesn’t want to look at you or talk to you;

7.       blames you for his abuse of you

8.       ignores or ridicules your talents and accomplishments

9.       isolates you from your friends and family by not allowing you to contact them or controls how and when you can meet or talk to them

10.   monitors your phone conversations

11.   decides who you can and who you cannot socialize with

12.   accuses you of having affairs

13.   tells you that men are flirting with you because you are behaving indecently

14.   you need his permission for any work/ project you do inside/outside the house

15.   controls the money that you spend by denying it when you ask for or deciding how much you can spend and you can and cannot spend on

16.   controls your career

17.   constantly calls you at work to check on you

18.   takes all your earnings and controls its spending

19.   threatens to harm/ kill you, your children or family

20.   destroys your personal things – like clothes or gifts from friends/family

21.   denies you basic things sometimes like food, or medicine

22.   throws things and objects at you

23.   pushes, grabs at or shoves you

24.   slaps you

25.   kicks, bites or punches you with his fists

26.   hits you with things – like belt, stick, etc.

27.   beats you incessantly without stopping till you feel too weak and bruised to even resist

28.   chokes you or tries to strangle you

29.   has pointed a weapon at you like a gun or a knife and threatened to kill you

30.   has attacked you with a weapon of any sort violently

 Symptoms of  Being  In An Abusive and Violent Relationship:

Check your own behavior for symptoms of abuse.  If you recognize any or all of these symptoms in yourself, then you are in an abusive/ violent relationship.  Your life may also be in danger.  It is very important that you get out of this house/relationship as soon as possible.

1.       Do you feel anxious all the time about your partner/ husband losing his temper?

2.       Do you consciously try to hide things or avoid certain things because you are afraid they will make him angry and violent?

3.       Do you often feel clumsy and useless, and feel that you can never do anything well enough to please him?

4.       Do you sometimes feel that it is you who is blame for your partner losing his temper?

5.       Do you sometimes feel confused and messed up, and feel like you are losing your mind?

6.       Do you sometimes feel totally numb – like you can’t feel or understand anything?

7.       Do you miss appointments often or have many absences from work?

8.       Do you try to avoid old friends, and make excuses for not keeping in touch?

9.       Do you feel ashamed that other people/friends might find out about your situation and you try to hide it or take the blame on yourself?

10.   Do you feel low all the time? Do you feel you have lost interest in activities you once enjoyed? Do you feel like crying all the time?

11.   Do you have thoughts of committing suicide or killing your husband or in-laws?

© The 50 Million Missing Campaign. All Rights Reserved. Please see our copyright notice.

ABOUT THE PHOTOGRAPHER

Udit Kulshrestha is a member of The 50 Million Missing Campaign’s Photographers’ Group which is supported by more than 2300 photographers.  To see more of his works click here


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31 Comments leave one →
  1. May 17, 2011 7:58 am

    I hope women will realize their worth and walk out of relationships that harm them or at least try to gain control of the situation.

    • May 19, 2011 6:22 am

      @Farida — that’s the key. Women must realize their life is important — more important than their marriage.

    • Brenda Mikush permalink
      May 27, 2011 11:08 pm

      Usually there is no way to get control of a bad situation like this other than leaving. Not being from India, I don’t know what your laws are regarding domestic violence. Men abuse their wives to “control” them. You can see this throughout history in just about all of the world’s cultures. Today, many men don’t feel in control outside of their homes, so they demand it in their homes. That won’t change unless he wants to get help and a lot of men, especially those who value traditions, won’t seek help. Therapy is a sign of weakness and men are “strong”.

  2. May 17, 2011 10:15 am

    Thank you, It’s a live photo and article, a good one for the married girls and womens of India. If I could well sense this article and gives my consent that what you has written is almost what a married women is facing in India. It might be that exceptions are everywhere but only those are successful stories who have tolerated what the article describes. It is further truth that most of women’s would not like to comment on it because she has to go to home in evening and if her husband and in-laws are computer literate than definitely her few day’s will go in trouble. It is also true here, that the women’s who has passed their 50% married life by realizing all that what this articles consists of would not comment due to their further uncertainity of happy life.
    Please add in the article:
    Indian Women (after marriage) = Uncertainity of Existence, Self-respect, her own dignity and ultimately her whole identity if she wants to be successful wife first rest …… when she would be alive.

    • May 19, 2011 6:25 am

      Dear Mr. Singh, You are absolutely right. Moreover, we are aware that in India we may be only one voice telling women to leave their house. But all around, them — neighbors, society, etc. women are hearing a different message. That they must keep quiet about the violence and learn to live with it. So we must speak out, and keep repeating our message, so women hear it over and over again, and understand that there is another way to what is socially acceptable in India.

  3. Brenda Mikush permalink
    May 27, 2011 11:03 pm

    I volunteer with a police department here in Texas to help victims of domestic violence…and I can relate to the fear of a married woman in India. I almost married my verbally abusive boyfriend. Not only should married women be aware, as you stated, that their lives are more important than the marriage, but girls of dating age or young women of marriageable age should all be taught this before they get married. Love is NOT abuse.

    I have a question…in the United States, today, the number 1 cause of infant morality is a woman being beaten by her significant other. Culturally speaking, if an abusive Indian husband knows his wife is pregnant, will he stop beating her until the child is born or is that unborn child treated as insignificantly as he treats his wife?

    • June 2, 2011 4:53 am

      @Brenda — With regards to your question, particularly in context of India, women who are discovered to be carrying female fetuses are often subject to physical violence both by their husband and in-laws. The violence is partly an attempt to express hatred for the woman for carrying a daughter that the family does not want, and often it is deliberate to force an abortion. In one of the cases that came to us, the woman who was pregnant with twin girls, was actually pushed down the stairs by her husband to force her to abort the fetuses. However, the story is different if the woman is carrying a boy — then she’s often well taken care because everyone wants to ensure that the boy is born healthy. You might like to see this article.

  4. June 6, 2011 8:33 am

    I am only now aware of this powerful 50 Million Missing campaign, and I’m so deeply saddened to read the horrifying statistics here…..one woman killed in India every 20 minutes….shocking!!!

    Although I’m not Indian, I can totally relate to the reality of abusive in-laws. My ex-in-laws are Korean, and I believe there are some similarities in their culture to that of India – for example, the importance of male children. No matter how hard I tried, being a Caucasian woman, I could never make my ex-in-laws happy. My ex-father-in-law actually yelled at me that I was not human because I was not Korean. I broke free from that 18-year marriage due to the racism and abusive behavior of my in-laws only to end up getting married again a year later to a very controlling and abusive man. Fortunately that marriage only lasted 10 months, but I was still completely stunned to have ended up in yet another abusive situation. I’m definitely wiser now, and very cognizant of the telltale “red flags” to look out for, but what a hard lesson to learn!! I really believe that all high school aged girls (and boys!) should be made aware of the signs of abuse before they start dating. It’s time to end domestic violence, and it begins with teaching our children that abusive behavior will not be tolerated. Otherwise, if we don’t reach our children before abusive behavior begins in dating relationships, the cycle of abuse will continue on…..

    Thank you for this extremely informative blog!

    • June 6, 2011 4:19 pm

      Thank you for sharing your story Kristin, and also for your incredible strength and determination in your public advocacy campaign against domestic violence in the United States. Abuse and violence is always a power issue, whether it happens inside or outside the house, and people who inflict violence use excuses, any excuses, as in your case race, and as in India — dowry, to exercise power violently to subjugate a person. You are absolutely right — that change is going to begin when we start teaching our daughters as they grow up that violence is never o.k. no matter who inflicts it on them, and that they must never tolerate it. Most woman would not silently tolerate it if a neighbor or a friend or co-worker inflicted violence on her, then why do women take it from their partners? It definitely is a social conditioning.

  5. Mugdha permalink
    June 11, 2011 12:49 pm

    A daring and helpful advise, but how many of the women reading this and suffering from the above symptoms will really gather the courage to leave their homes? I wonder if even 5% have chosen to do that, for Indian women their children and families have always come before their own wellbeing. Haven’t we seen our mothers suffering. Even today families give their girls lessons in adjustment and compromise. I wonder how long are we going to quietly bear with this physical and verbal abuse.

    • June 12, 2011 11:57 am

      @Mudgha — You are absolutely right about one thing. Studies show that women’s response to domestic violence is not determined by their education, or even earning abilities, but rather by how they have seen their mothers, aunts, etc. respond to violence in the home when they were growing up. The prison is psychological! That is why it is very important for all women to gather courage and to set a new pattern of response not just for themselves, but for the sake of their daughters.

  6. Sjarn Mansoor permalink
    July 7, 2011 1:06 pm

    What I dont understand is that from a karmic point of view do the men not realise that they will have to pay for their violence?

  7. Anonymous permalink
    July 24, 2011 11:56 am

    the only lasting trauma is the one we suffer without POSITIVE change .
    these signs are so true and i will never understand why men are this way towards there partners but my look on it is to get away as fast as u can
    believe in yourself and your confidence x

  8. shruti permalink
    June 4, 2012 10:44 am

    this is an amazing forum.. and i wish to add to what mugdha said..violence numbs your mental faculties.. nd there are times when even the slightest support nd counselling helps the victim come out of denial/ acceptance of violence towards her. i can say this with experience. i was in a relationship with my classmate from college for 5 years. he wud be caring nd yet had violent streak where during any simplest of arguements over trivial things like sparing time on weekends, he wud hit me. he wud later appologise, cry nd promise not to repeat, at times even blame me for provoking him.. nd i believed him for 5 years with at least 8-10 incidents of violence thinking he will change or this is a stray incident.. it took a bit of counseling from a friend to agree that he had problems nd i must leave him without any guilt.. though he still blames me among common friends that i left him.. but violent people never learn or change.. nd women shud leave before it damages their self esteem totally..

  9. September 28, 2012 4:39 am

    sometimes I feel as if there is no way out but death. he has told me and made it quit clear that he likes physically and sexually abusing me and how it make his dick hard. please exscuse my french but that is how he feel. there has been times when he put the gun to my head and pulled the trigger and then pulled the gun on his self. he has stabbed me with a knife because he wanted to know what it felt like to stab be so he did. my abuser hs urinated on me in the shower and said that he was markin his territory and he had thi smirk on his face as if he meant business. and just recently he was acting strange around me one night we have had a fight and came into my kitchen while everyone was down stair including my mother. I was standing there cooking and he came behind me as if he was very ticked he said something to me and I didn’t respond so he came behind me and put me a choke hold and lifted me ten feet off the floor and in an instant I felt myself starting to pass out so I started to fight back and it wasn’t working I also felt myself not being able to function when he let me go I felt really dizzy, my throat hurted really bad and I couldn’t breath so I told him to leave now and don’t come back I was standing at the sink while he came behind me again and put me in the choke hold again this time he laid me on the floor as he was choking me I felt myself coming so close to passing out I paniced and tried to fight back but he was so strong and my mother’s bestfriend came upstairs and he let me go. I felt so dizzy that the room was spinning, I couldn’t breath right it was different, and my throat has been so sore that I couldn’t drink anything I felt like I had to sit down and to catch my breath. and now i’m very afraid of my kids father and on top of that he won’t let me end the relationship, and he told me that he will always be in my bed.
    he won’t take no for an anwser, and he won’t allow me to have company in my apartment, and he won’t allow me around any other guys. this Man has made me do some perverted things to him and for him. he refuses to not use condoms, and he won’t stop coming around my house there has been times I thought that I ended it for good but then he would down stairs at my landlords apartment and he would remain there from Monday to Sunday and from 9:00am til 8:00pm. when I try to talk to him and tell him how I feel and why I want to break up he would ignor me, and if I tell no I don’t to sleep with you he would force me to have sex after I told him it was over. right now as i’m writing this to you i’m sitting here crying and wondering how i’m going to ever be free before he decides to seriously hurt me or kill me like he is keep saying in his threats. and he tells me if I can’t have you then no one else will or he would sit there and tell me how he wants to kill me and how proud I can hear it in his voice or see it in his face as if he is going to go through with it one day but not knowing when he is going to do it. and trust and believe me when I say he is capable of seriously hurting me or killing me I have been at times when he would almost take my life.

    sorry for the long confession but I had to ask for help or advice on what kind of Man that i’m dealing with, and is he dangerously abusvie. I love this Man with all my heart and we have been together for twenty years and he was not always like this but if I have known this in the beginging I would have never dated him. but he is abusive, he dangerous, and I know that this relationship is not healthy, and that I want out but again he won’t let me go and he made it loud and clear that he is not letting me go. and he has told family members that he is not letting me go. he has grabbed me by throat in front of one of my male cousin who happens to beat his girlfriend to. he has tried to burn me with a lighter and my cousin just laughed and thought we was playing but he wasn’t.

    but anyway thank you all for taking the time to read my heart felt confession. and for those who are going through what i’m going through please take care of self and stay strong, be safe, take care and God Bless ❤ and please pray for me.as I will pray for you

    Mildred from Boston,Ma

    • September 29, 2012 12:34 pm

      Dear Mildred, Yes, you are in an unsafe and dangerous relationship. You need to plan and get out WITHOUT TELLING OR INFORMING HIM. We cannot emphasize this enough. There are services and hotlines available in Massachusetts, and people who can help you. Please use these services and plan to get out from this house soon as possible. First call the a Domestic Violence Safelink (a 24 hour multilingual statewide hotline)1-877-785-2020 TTY: 1-877-521-2601 Please call them and Explain your situation, and they will help you figure out your options. They will tell you who to approach and what to do. Also clear your cache after or your mobile after each contact you make with these services. There is also a National Domestic Violence Hotline, in the U.S. anyone can call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). If you need to get out quickly here are domestic violence shelters in the Boston area with phone lines, that you can contact. Stay safe, and please be very careful.

  10. A Bonneau permalink
    October 3, 2012 11:20 am

    I was going to mention that such abusive situations could happen anywhere outside India when I read Mildred’s heartbreaking confession. I too suffered from an abusive situation (although none of the symptoms in green or red). I too loved my husband and didn’t want to leave him after some 20 odd years, but there comes a time when you have to realise that you have only one life and that you have to shine, to be your true self, that you are strong enough to manage on your own, that you need to respect your body and have others respect you, and that you would be much better off without him. Help is always available but you have to be brave enough to seek it and want to make that change in your life. It’s a question of survival.

    • October 3, 2012 2:14 pm

      It is true Domestic violence happens in all countries. But not on a genocidal scale like in India. One woman is burnt to death every 5 minutes. There are other women stabbed, hanged, poisoned, attacked with acid. The point we keep emphasizing is that in India the response of family and society is to normalize this violence. It is not normal. It’s inhuman. And women in India have to learn to do something which their society does not allow them to do — ab-normalize this violence and fight for their right to safety and life.

  11. A Bonneau permalink
    October 4, 2012 10:04 am

    Yes, I completely understand your point of view. Nowhere else in the world can we find such rampant practices going on in all stratas of Indian society. What I cannot understand is why Indians in general remain so complacent; they see, they hear and yet they have no voice apart from a very few. I wonder if Government intervention would even lead to the abolishment of these atrocities, knowing that “sati” (burning of widows on the funeral pyre with their husbands) and dowry have been condoned by the Government (also mentioned in the Constitution I think) and yet they prevail. Too frustrating, too disgusting for words…

  12. Mum permalink
    November 7, 2012 4:26 am

    My daughter was married for only 3 weeks when we realised that her husband was showing signs of control, instability and some kind of personality disorder. It was an arranged marriage but over 6 months they had met a few times ( he travelled to our city 3 times) and spoke everyday.

    Within the next few weeks he almost imprisoned her. She escaped after 6 weeks, with our support. We live in a western country. The boy grew up in India but lived here for 15 years. Yet his attitude was like a villager,s. He held strong beliefs about what a wife should do, how a son in law deserves respect, how his wife should agree with him in every respect.

    We are from a modern educated family and have never seen abusive husbands in our family. He was a shock to us all. But we decided that our daughter is only 25 years old and with 60-70 years to live, she did not have to endure abuse for the rest of her life. We didn’t’ think about what people would say or think but just did what was right for our daughter. She is an intelligent professional with the world at her feet.

    Parents have to help their daughters get out of abusive relationships. Would you much rather lose your daughter simply because some relatives may talk badly about you or get up and rescue your little girl. Even if she isn’t damaged physically, the emotional scars will make her a mess and her children too will not be spared.

    Once an abuser always an abuser. I will write about his eccentricities when I have some more time. But if you are in an abusive relationship, read all you can. There is plenty on the Internet. Just google abusive, controlling, angry men and you will get all the information you need.

    Also, if you suspect mental instability, google personality disorder. Many abusive men have borderline personality disorder or BPD. Also read about NPD.

    Talk to you later,
    Brave mum

    • Gita permalink
      July 5, 2013 1:03 am

      I am myself who left an abusive marriage after he turned abusive towards my child. Ofcourse in court he is proving that he is a very loving father but it was not true the day he abuse my very little child. Unfortunately children under 5 (whatever they say) is not not accepted as truth. Thus the cycle of abuse continues if mothers do not believe their children. I live in the West, am a working professional and took the hardest decision to walk out on my spouse and leave all financial security to protect self and child. I would rather start life from scratch with sanity of self and child than subject ourselves to lifelong abuse. Why did I have the courage to leave- thanks to my mother and my older sisters! Had they not been there I would not have done it! I was NUMBED from the abuse mainly because I had never seen abusive men before. He had me under his control from day 1 but I did not see the signs of abuse until it was too late! While I fight for my child now, I know my battle is far from over. It is just the beginning of other ways of abuse (now because he LEGALLY can seek custody of our child)! What I have found most helpful in my situation is FORGET SHAME AND GUILT. There are all sorts of people in this world…many will not believe you including family, many will, but will only watch from distance, and some will believe and help you. become shameless, ask for help. Seek help from domestic violence shelters…you can repay the kindness later. be safe. get a job. get self respect. Social conditioning teaches us that wives obey husbands… without love, trust and respect….marriages are nothing. As a therapist once said – there is only one emotion in a marriage. Either its is love or it is power and control. It is either /or – never together. Respect yourself and get out before your children get harmed. Another aspect one needs to realize is that if girls see their fathers abusive, they come to expect only abuse in their future relationships….because of their psychological vulnerability. Thus, DV can stop in one generation! Get out and teach your daughters to tolerate no abuse…. Together we can stop the cycle of DV. It is almost the foundation of all existing issues in the world.

    • July 6, 2013 7:48 pm

      Your are very brave Gita. Thank you for getting out, and thank you for speaking up. We hope other women reading this will be inspired to do the same.

  13. Sangeeta permalink
    July 24, 2013 2:16 am

    I face almost 90% what ever is written in black, not in red and green.. Once faced some green color symptoms… But not anymore…

    We live separate now, for my daughter who is kid with differently able abilities… as for others its is for Kids welfare.. for me deep inside ,.,, its relax from all those abusiveness…

    I am worried about my daughter… I do am working… But I don’t know how to change the situation.,…

    • July 24, 2013 11:25 am

      Sangeeta, we are glad you and your daughter are safe. Are you saying you are worried about the future of your daughter? We would suggest to build a community of friends and select family members around you who you can TRUST with your heart, and focus on creating a trust fund for the financial safety of you and your daughter in the future. Remember, your instinct about who to trust and not to trust and what to do or not to do is going to be your strongest guide. It has guided you right so far in your life. And it has been hard, but it is still better than what you were in before. It will get better — trust yourself.

  14. Sangeeta permalink
    July 24, 2013 12:31 pm

    Thank you so much … for the support… I have some concerns as well…

    • Mum permalink
      July 25, 2013 5:42 am

      Sangeeta, do you live in India?

  15. anjali permalink
    September 6, 2013 12:06 pm

    i am not able to digest this disgusting, frustrating life. ours is so called love marriage. only for one month till i agree to this bloody relationship he pretend to be lonely , introvert!! MOTHERLESS CHILD whose father as he kept telling FUCKING ASSHOLE( I am sorry but i have to mention this slang ) immediately i got to know he is a womenizer. he used to tell me except me no one is there in his life. he hates clumpsy women who are like stray dogs. once i was committed he started showing his true colours. once he got job he hid it from me for more than 3months i had to find out from 3rd party just because parents were forcing me to get married and it was miserable times for me he was in other city telling lies deceiving me he is sleeping empty stomach and made me spend money also some how we got married. his father is rogue. who kept many women infact after marriage i got to know my husband is just a replica of his father pervert having mental ill ness of doing things, saying things again again again that made me go mad! his father kept abusing me made me so feel down inferior about everything once i became pregnant their inhuman side is also reflected my husband used to beat me to hell. in this bloody meaningless relationship of 13 years i have been humiliated, made me use foul languages (which i never used to i led a very beautiful proud life being rank student and whether in school college, or in my neighbourhood i was always recognised as beautiful and brilliant decent girl now one wrong step of choosing this pervert is biggest mistake in my life. he thrown me out of house sweetly in the name of no woman( he has no mother lost in accident at the age of 8) he literally slapped me just 10days after my normal delivery infront of my mother who had come from other city for my delivery. he went so cruel that while hitting me he slapped my 15 DAYS son!? because he wanted me and my child to go off.
    I am a gazetted officer into heavy burden and tensionable job, instead of supporting me he always trouble, abuse, but he needs my status and privilges and money! unfortunately, i am not able take any step. our every day quarrel has ruined my life, health(at 35 i have heartache(hypertension), migraine anxiety frustration loosing confidence) my sons(6years) behavior everything.
    he loves his father so madly that twice his father broke our marriage. he told on face to me sitting in my quarters to take care of my son ITS YOUR LOOK OUT. purposely my husband kept sleeping on dewan infront of his father to show that he does not have any mental or physical relationship. his father knows his son is also like him only who loves women, social hifi life but mentality at home is typically INDIAN abusing wife, snatching money diplomatically. humiliating me frustrating me has become aim of his life. i got him car infront of me many times he honks at bitchy women crossing roads, grab attention of such women, he s humiliated me making security guards maid servants to speak bad to me. he flirts with maid also. infact i caught his chats/mails with some bad women website he tried to prove that he s forgot to sign off some body else had done it . each day i keep telling him to divorce and get out of house he pretends to be either very innocent(cunning actions) and or openly threatens me of kidnapping my son whom he never bothered to love and do his duty as father. because of his pervertness and OCD i had become pregnant, had to go for MTP. i feel like DEATH is the only answer and i should die. but when i think of my son i feel i should give him the best all alone. unfortunately i love my husband so much that is so much hurting and paining that he s not worthy person his world is different women, money (my) over social behavior infact he will be watching all neighbour women infact if interviewed around people will speak bad about me that i keep shouting crying when he hits me every time i can see so much cruelty that he may kill off me. he does not have any feelings towards me and my son. he loves women women stuff so much that when i was undergoing so much pain and stress when my son was hospitalized my husband kept flirting around badly dressed nurses in the hospital whom he kept calling MADAM! and for other nurses who were decent called them SISTERS! i felt bad and told off to decide the whole world when all call nurses as sisters only for those bitchy buttons on their skirts were about to break open tight fitted, very low, short skirts he very next moment started to call everyone MADAMS!, ridiculing my feelings its my choise kind that was disgusting. if some psychiatrist is going through this please kindly tell me what should i do i need to lead my life with my son peacefully he needs me i cry every day pray to god to give me atleat another 15 years of life so i can see my son settled i dont want my son to be like his father. i know if something goes wrong to me my sons life would be ruined please help please dont give me lecture of being positive make circle of friends or some thing like that do tell me how to come out of this meaning less unhealthy frustrated life.

    • September 6, 2013 6:45 pm

      Anjali — You are a gazetted officer, you have a job — we’d suggest get out of this marriage quickly. He’s not helping you. He is only damaging you life and the life of your child. If he’s turned out like his father, you don’t want your son to turn out to be like your father. So we say, please save yourself, your sanity, your child — and get out fast!

  16. Mum permalink
    September 7, 2013 8:32 pm

    Anjali, leave the bugger. Your son will turn into an abuser himself, unless you show him the correct way to live. You can blame yourself for having put up with this shit and continuing to do so. What is the point of being educated and financially independent. Kick him out and change the locks of the house.

  17. xyz permalink
    September 30, 2013 7:32 pm

    My husband is very clever ! he tries his level best not to restore to activities marked in red as it would pile up as evidence against him and his family. but he does everything from 1-18 earnestly and also 19 and 21. For 21 his excuse is “you have a job why ask me”. and has also done everything he could to make me depressed. I fight in my own ways….but they too have had their consequences…. like neglecting the basic needs of his own child.

  18. Sophie Marie permalink
    June 29, 2014 3:54 am

    Every word in this article is true. India and it’s men are disgusting. I met an Indian man who already had a girlfriend in America. I am in Germany. His name is Anmol Chandan or Nikka Anmol. He cheats lies. He took photos of our visit to show his friends and used me. He uses online dating sites to find women all over the world and con them. He uses them to stay or have sex until they see him in person……. He is disgusting. He is doesn’t deserve any woman and all need to beware.

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